"I am happily married to a great guy. I wanted three kids but my husband wanted four. I felt complete with three and the thought of having another child sounded awful to me. My husband was certain that we needed to have another one. I was so confused how two people, working together for the same goal, could have such different feelings on something so important. Our relationship is strong and we trust each other, but this was a huge difference for us.
"I ended up getting pregnant with our fourth child. I was angry and bitter that it happened and that I allowed it. I regretted it from the day I found out. Everyone would tell me that once the baby was born, I would love it and all those feeling would go away. I hoped and prayed for that to be the case because I was miserable.
"I prayed that the Lord would take the baby from me but that didn't happen. The day came that the baby was born. My fear was confirmed. I didn't love the baby. I didn't have an instant bond with him. I was still angry and resentful. I didn't want the baby.
"My baby just turned one and my feelings about him have not changed. I want my old life back. I want to only have three kids. It is a daily struggle for me to love and care for this baby. I feel guilty because I know of so many people that want a baby so bad and can't. Here I am with a healthy beautiful baby and I don't feel love towards him.
I take care of him and he has what he needs but I am still learning to love him and praying everyday that I will eventually have a bond with him like I do my others.
"Sometimes it is difficult to be in a church where everyone seems so happy and in love with their children. It makes me feel like a horrible person and mom. I hear other moms say they wouldn't give up or trade their kids for anything in the world. I want so bad to be able to say that about this baby. I wish I had that bond with him like everyone said I would happen but I just don't. My heart hurts because of this."