"A part of our Gospel belief is that trials are a part of this earthly life. We believe those trials are to help us grow as individuals and help us grow closer to our Heavenly Father. We knew when we chose to come down to earth, as part of the Plan of Salvation, that we would face hardships and challenges–some that would try to break us—yet we bravely chose to come down. I believe this with all of my heart, but despite my belief, this is a concept that haunts me.
"I often find myself going through day-to-day life waiting for the next trial to hit. I am sometimes afraid to let myself be truly happy or soak in the beautiful moments. There is a voice in the back of my mind quietly reminding me not to get too comfortable, be too happy, or love too fiercely because a new trial is bound to come soon. At times I let this fear overshadow all the good and the beauty that is in my life.
"I have faith in my Heavenly Father—faith that He is guiding my life. I believe He is providing me with the best opportunities to learn and grow and become a better version of myself, but sometimes that faith is hard. It is hard to not feel afraid, or worry about what my little family is going to face. It is hard not be overcome with all that life brings.
"We are getting ready to expand our little family again, but I have been struggling with this decision. Not because I don't want another sweet little one to lighten our lives, but because I fear for that little one. I fear for what their challenges may be, or what pain they may have to experience, and right now that fear is winning."